2019 The year of Friends.

Every year for the last 12 years, I would start the year with a word. Sometimes it would have an abstract meaning and other times it would be more literal but that word would be the guideline for my year.

This year the word is : FRIENDS.

I am blessed with amazing friends and I am truly thankful, but a recent situation showed me some things about myself that was quite an eye opener.

I offered to do something large for a friend’s family. This thing took lots of my time and huge amounts of my resources. It put me under a lot of pressure in the end. But I did it and did it well. Afterward I was left feeling like there were no appreciation from my friend’s family. Now I could focus on that and be all self righteous and feel like a victim, but that is not what this is about.

This is not about me feeling used, it is about me putting myself in these types of situations. WHY?

So ofcourse, being the psychology student that I am, I started looking in to it. And found some intresting theories. One was that it starts in childhood if you feel rejected, neglected,are abused verbally or physically and a few other things.

Being the single cell in triplets where the other 2 sheared a placenta and developed out of one sell, it left me open for that feeling of rejection from day one. (Have you ever tried to be included in the word of Identical twins?……. It is not easy!) I was basically trying to fit in and be accepted right through my childhood .

I had a good look at my heart and my motivation and realized that part of me are still acting like that child looking for acceptance and to be liked.

As a parent, if you see behaviour in your child that is causing him or her stress, you will step in and help your child to work through it. So here I am, ready for some self parenting. I am working on the feelings of rejection and not being good enough, of trying to be liked . What I am realizing is that I often use my skills and abilities to do that . That I have part of my identity in these skills and abilities.

So, how do I parent myself, You may ask?

  • My first step is to change my self talk: I am good enough and don’t need to be a doormat in other for me to feel worthy.
  • I am spending time on my own and making a decision to enjoy it.
  • I am practicing to say no and to keep quiet instead of offering my services and help.
  • Even if I like people, it is not to say that they are friends. This is something I have to remind my inner child of on a regular basis: friends are people who have your best interests at heart as you have theirs.
  • I am taking time to listen to how I justify things and am finding that oftentimes I am actually using this justification to get myself into these situations. ( things like, they can’t afford it so I will do it for free. The poor person is in pain, and then I do a few treatments that result in my hands getting inflamed. But I am feeling like a hero or savior afterwards and so I keep doing it).

So for 2019, I am learning about healthy friendships, healthy boundaries and most of all to be a friend to myself first.

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10 thoughts on “2019 The year of Friends.”

  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, but most importantly sharing your heart. I think we have all dealt with this issue at some point in our lives if we are truthful. Yet, when we step back and allow God to open our eyes, we can change what we need to and allow God to handle the rest. Being in a friendship should not wear us out, but should add something positive to our lives. As you said, in our friendships we should each not only hold our intrests to hand, but also that of the other person. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us and may God bless you greatly in this new year.

  2. Friend! I felt this too so many times. Getting past my past and saying yes to today and forgiving and enjoying the moments God sends me is what I attempt to do now. My word is COURAGE!!!! Love you! Love Jenny

  3. Indeed this is a post that i am sure MANY women can identify with, myself included. I think we are trained from childhood to put others first but without teaching us the proper boundaries to do this in a healthy way. We let friends take take take and we give give give of our time, energy and talents in an effort to be the best at giving. But in the end it isn’t the other people that are entirely to blame as you said, it is in fact ourselves as we haven’t put up the proper foundation of how we need to be treated. Excellent post ❤️🙏🏻

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